In today’s highly polarized world, many people find themselves facing a painful reality: family members or friends deeply entrenched in extreme ideologies. Whether it’s conspiracy theories or political radicalism, these situations can strain relationships while leaving little room for rational conversation. Experts in cult recovery and high-control groups offer strategies for navigating these interactions with empathy and effectiveness.
Understanding the Dynamics
The first step is recognizing that extreme beliefs often function more like belief systems than simple political stances. Steven Hassan, founder of Freedom of Mind Resource Center, emphasizes the importance of remembering the person before their current ideology took hold.
“They’ve been hacked. They’re going to come out. So how can I help them just realize for themselves that they’re not happy there?”
This mindset allows you to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment. The key is to ask open-ended questions (“Tell me more about why you believe this to be true?”) while actively listening and mirroring their statements (“So, you believe X, Y, and Z?”). This shows respect and encourages them to articulate their reasoning.
Gentle Rebuttals and Planting Seeds of Doubt
Daniella Mestyanek Young, a cult survivor and author of Uncultured, points out that many people fall into extremist ideologies due to loneliness, fear, or a desire for belonging. Rather than aggressively challenging their beliefs, she suggests planting seeds of doubt:
- “I’ve looked into this, and it’s actually been widely debunked. Would you be open to reading a source I trust?”
- “I know this feels true, but it’s coming from a site known for disinformation. Can I share why I’m concerned?”
These approaches avoid direct confrontation and instead offer alternative perspectives. Remember, changing someone’s mind takes time, and kindness is more effective than condescension.
Managing Triggers and Setting Boundaries
Engaging with extreme beliefs can be emotionally draining. Hassan stresses the importance of self-awareness: identifying your own triggers and neutralizing them. It’s crucial to focus on what might help them exit the belief system, not just on restoring the relationship.
People brainwashed into extreme ideologies respond best to love, respect, and kindness, not hostility.
When conversations become toxic, it’s essential to disengage safely. Phrases like “I love you too much to argue with you about this” or “I want to focus on connecting with you, not debating you” can set boundaries without escalating conflict. You are not obligated to endure harmful interactions.
Maintaining Connection Without Agreement
Even if meaningful conversations feel impossible, maintaining a basic level of connection can be vital. Young explains that the shame of admitting they were wrong is one of the biggest barriers to leaving extremist groups.
“Sometimes the thing that keeps people stuck in a harmful ideology is not the belief itself — it’s the fear of what it will cost them to walk away.”
Small gestures – a birthday text or a comment on a shared interest – can keep a lifeline open. The goal isn’t always to win the argument; it’s to stay whole while offering a path back to reality.
In a time of widespread misinformation, refusing to engage in the game may be the most radical act. A life raft doesn’t need to be grand; it just needs to float.
